True That

As of right now, I have 14 minutes to write this blog post....by my own choosing, or I will sit here all the ding-dong-day trying to decide what to write....and then I will log off this laptop having written nothing. 

So here goes...

Christmas was great. New Year is here. Baby # 3 will hopefully cooperate and ahem, reveal it's gender on Valentine's Day. My house is a disorganized, beautiful mess and I am learning to be ok with that...although most days I have to constantly surrender that to the Lord. My kids are growing up SO fast...Blake will be 4 in March. Stop. No, really. We're talking about things like preschool and I am sitting here going, Um...did I blink?? Kelcie is a climbing, dumping, hold-her-own kind of girl...and going to be a big sister before her 2nd birthday! 

So the one thing that I keep going back to is how life just doesn't stop. No matter how much you think you're taking it all in, making the time count, doing your best to hold down the fort and Instagram it all into remembrance...life just keeps moving, at lightning speed. It's the busy-ness. It's the sleep deprivation. It's the incredibly looooooong days that feel like lifetimes...that add up into a month, a year flying by quicker than you can even imagine. 

And for what? At the end of the day, the only thing I will ultimately get to "keep" is what I did for the coming kingdom...His kingdom...and I really think that means I've got the world's biggest and most important job. I'm a mom. I'm either guiding and training, loving and leading these little hearts into a deep love relationship with God, through Jesus...or I am saying to them that other things are more important to me. 

So this year, I am asking God to show me how to love Him....what does that mean and look like? The first thing He's shown me is to love Him with my every day life and the minutes that matter in a big way. Minutes with my kids...loving them, teaching them...doing all the monotonous tasks of motherhood with a happy heart and a gentle spirit. And to not fill up my minutes with things that really have no value...it's so easy to slide off into the ditch of social media, tv, "errand running" just to get out of the house...I have SO far to go! 

But at the end of the day, I can not fathom letting my life dwell in mediocrity. I can not handle the thought of standing at the throne of God someday and saying, "Well it had been a long day...and ya know, Honey Boo Boo was on...so yeah, I didn't really feel like praying with my kids before bedtime that day." And frankly, true confession time, there are days where that is ME. 

I am seeking to be different and grow into a more mature, self-less, need-meeting person with the grace of God sustaining me. There are many days at this stage of life where I DO feel like plopping down on the couch and vegging out for 3 hours...but I don't want to have regrets either. And mostly, I just don't want to tell God with my life that what Jesus did for me on the cross wasn't enough. If my life is a thank you to Him, than I want it to be the best darn thank you I can give Him...and that takes more than a half hearted effort to "make it through the day". 

So on days like today, when I am eking out every last drop of Holy Spirit power just to microwave Hot Pockets for lunch...I am going to do it with a smile and a kind word to my kids. So that hopefully, what they will remember is not all the Pinterest worthy lunches of their childhood...but a gentle and loving example that leads them to love God and to love all the "others" in their lives in really big ways. 

Schooling mommy at Rescue Bot Memory

Showing off her mac & cheese smile

Wanting Nothing

There is SO much on my mind today...

alot of things I could write a blog post about all by themselves. 

This may come out a bit jumbled for that very reason! 

But today I just need to write...be expressive...and put some thoughts out there. 

I'll start with the most prominent.

I have the blues. 

There. I said it. 

I haven't figured out if it's postpartum or "I live in Michigan" blues. 

There's a distinct lack of sunlight around these parts from November to, eh, April give or take =)

Some days I just wake up completely unmotivated, discouraged, exhausted, and angry. 

The next day I could be totally fine. 

I'm struggling...but staying afloat. 

This is new to me.

I have always been a deeply emotional person, but have not had this intensity of feeling before!

I'm thankful for the Word of God and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit...

it is such a comfort to know that I am not alone.

And on the rare day that the sun comes out from behind the clouds, I sit by our slider door

soaking in all the Vitamin D I can get!

So that leads me to yesterday and my thoughts on not being a perfect mommy...

Blake just had a really hard day obeying. 

He asks, "Why?" after everything I say lately...no really, everything.

Dinner time rolled around, and I- being the organized person I am- had nothing thawing.

Blake got upset about something ( thankfully I don't even remember what today!), 

and all of a sudden 25 minutes were spent calming him down, dealing with

the consequences of his choices,

reading the story of Jonah disobeying God,

praying a little "I'm sorry" prayer,

hugs and kisses, 

and I was back to the kitchen to work on dinner. 

Frozen tilapia was the first thing that caught my eye when I opened the freezer door. 

I decided to bread it in some cornmeal and pan fry it. 

Do you think the frozen fillets fit in the cereal bowls I'd filled with flour, egg, and cornmeal??

Negative. 

So there I am with the dullest knife we own trying to saw frozen fish in half
 so I can fit it in the dumb bowl and get it in the pan. And it occurred to me that when I had the thought 

"Maybe Josh could pick up Subway for dinner."

two hours before we hit meltdown mode, 

I should have just acted on it. 

Instead, partly out of pride and partly out of feeling like a big, fat failure, 

I chose to plunge ahead into dinner myself and not ask for help. 

Long story short...it made the rest of our night kind of stinky. 

And as I sat rocking Kelcie before bed last night, I just started sobbing. 

I felt so discouraged. So up and down and all over the place. 

And I cried really, really hard for like 3 minutes and prayed, 

"I'm sooooo tired Lord! I don't even know what's wrong with me....this is ridiculous. I'm a mess. 

I just need to know we're going to be okay. Can you make my babies sleep all night??"

And on. You get the picture. (Pathetic...I know.)

They didn't. Sleep, I mean. I'm still just as tired today as I have been. 

My head is still pounding from either sinus pressure, the fact that I should get my eyes checked, 

or the tumor that my inner hypochondriac is convinced

I have growing in my brain. 

But for some reason when I got Blake settled in his Lightning McQueen chair watching 

Bob the Builder at 6:57 this morning, 

I came back into my bed and pulled up the daily Bible reading app

that I am at least 13 days behind on. 

I read for a little bit and came to this verse....

"Forty years you provided for them in the wilderness,

and they were not in want;

Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not become swollen."

It's found in Nehemiah 9...so simple, but it jumped off the page at me. 

It was as if God was saying to me, if He provided for the Israelites for

forty years without them having need of anything

surely He will provide for me today.

It was such a small little word of encouragement.

But it meant so much to me this morning. 

That still small voice whispering that He's there, that He knows, and that He cares. 

That's all I needed. 

Today doesn't have to be perfect. 

It doesn't even have to go well for that matter. 

It just has to be rejoiced in because it's the day that He made.

It's the day He's in complete control of. 

And He will provide for me so well, that I will have need of nothing. 

Huge. 

source

Being Intentional

I'm assuming it's a well-known fact that I am not a morning person.

I don't actively carry on conversations before 10 am.

Blake, however, is.

Just a few weeks ago I scored one of those "Light Up Alarm Clocks"

off of Ebay that are supposed to teach your child to sleep.

Somehow the magic green light that comes on ONLY at the

predetermined time set by the mamas and the papas

is supposed to keep your child in bed.

Blissfully sleeping until the light comes on and you hear their

angelic voices sing out "Mother dear, I've awoken!"

Right.

Glad I only spent $9.99 and not the forty dollars new that Amazon wanted.

We've (wait. I ) have still been up at least once every night since we got the clock

to tuck Blake back in and remind him that

the light is not green yet.

So here we are...Monday morning.

He's walking around with a poopy diaper that he's not quite ready for me to change.

(There are time limits on those things, kiddo....)

I'm finally in clean out and organize mode.

He's in plop a construction hat on mommy's head and grab her around the neck

while smelling like a landfill mode.

I'm washing bedding and doing dishes.

He's lining up matchbox cars and telling me to pick one.

Every time I pick one the conversation goes like this:

"I'll be this one."

"No, Fresco Boonie not workin."

"Oh. Francesco Bernoulli isn't working? I'll be Finn."

"Finn kinda broken..."

The point here is this...

Every day I strive to make a conscious, well semi-conscious, choice around 7:15am

to be the mom that God gives me an opportunity to be.

It's my choice.

Somedays it's the easiest thing in the world...

somedays it's not.

But everyday I get to choose whether or not I'm going to engage and be intentional

with my kids.

There are times that it feels overwhelming and exhausting to think about

meeting one more demand.

But I think what I'm learning, is that it is truly a choice

and if I choose to step into the ring

the rewards are enormous.

Just spending 15 minutes playing with Blake usually means his

little love tank gets filled and

 I can go accomplish a few of my to-do's for the day.

If I do it the other way around, I never seem to sit down and give him that time

that he so badly wants!

So I'm striving this year to be intentional with my kids.

To just be okay with sitting still and playing cars with Blake or

laughing with Kelcie and her vibrating rolly pig.

Because I know that the growing up will come way faster than

I really, truly want.

And when I'm left with more than enough time on my hands to have

a clean home and a coffee date with a friend,

I think what I'll want more than anything is just one more day

playing cars with a little boy in a stinky diaper.

Well, maybe not the stinky diaper part....just saying ;)

Ready, Set, Rest!

I have been doing alot of catch up lately it seems...

today I did some catching up on all the blogs I follow.

There was one reoccurring theme: 

Organization and Motivation for A New Year. 

Totally fabulous!

Except for one thing....

I'm pooped. 

Are you??

Oh, I'm motivated. And I'm obnoxiously organized (usually!)

But right now, I'm ready to rest. 

My kids are ready for rest. For a "normal" schedule to their day.

And I've decided that for the next few weeks

that's ok!

It's ok, because nowhere in the book of real life does it say

we must start every new endeavor, goal, diet, exercise routine, 

or anything else for that matter

on January 1st!

(picture taken by Blake's Auntie Bri...he and his cousin Jack, in full Christmas meltdown)

Sure it's a good thing to start fresh, and sometimes that's best to do

at the beginning of a month...or year in this case. 

But on the other hand, sometimes you just have to let yourself rest!

My kids have been sick...Kelcie's on meds for croup this week. I just took

our Christmas tree down yesterday and am mapping out

our new toy storage strategy. 

I'm determined to start eating healthy and exercising again. 

Piano lessons are starting up...church activities will be in full swing...

and right now, I just need to catch my breath. 

A moment to savor the quiet of naptime.

A moment to drink a hot cup of coffee and stare out the window

at the blanket of white. 

A moment to say "Hi God...what's your plan for this year?", before I start running with my own. 

I so badly want to see and be a part of amazing things, the kind of things that

make you stop still and marvel at. 

But I want them to be God's things. 

So before I write out a huge list of everything I promise to accomplish in 2013, 

I want to hear what He's got to say first...

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." ~ Psalm 40:5

Our Story of Eliminating Artificial Coloring

**Disclaimer** 

I am in no way a trained medical professional. I am just a mom....a mom who knows her son. This is simply the story of our experience with artificial food coloring and how it affects Blake's behavior. This is not a science report or a petition going to the FDA. Please take it for what it's worth!!

Almost a year ago now, we made the decision to begin eliminating artificial food dye from Blake's diet.  Partially out of a basic feeling of  being

the world's worst parents with

the world's most strong-willed child. 

Laugh...you didn't witness the meltdowns :)

I remember going garage sale shopping with Blake last spring, and it was the first time I
literally saw the change in his demeanor and behavior
almost instantly after having artificial coloring.
I'd been toying with the idea of eliminating dyes for a few months, but hadn't really gotten
serious about it.
At least not to the point of being really careful and consistent.

But that day last spring convinced me!
Blake was getting antsy in the stroller, so I bought him a bag of M&M's from two little girls
selling candy at their mom's garage sale.
Like any normal 2 year old, Blake scarfed down his candy in
oh, I don't know...
sixty-four seconds??
Less than 10 minutes later we were in full meltdown mode.
I'm talking thrashing in the stroller, screaming at the top of his lungs, red face,
scary intense meltdown.

For those of you with a strong-willed child, or any toddler for that matter, meltdowns
are not necessarily all that uncommon.
(Ok, be real. They happen 12 times a day somedays.)
Call it mommy instinct, but I knew that what was happening with Blake
was not just a typical toddler temper tantrum .
I'm sure it was brought on by something normal....like me telling him
No and that not sitting well with his plans ;)
But I always felt like those times of normal toddler defiance were super
intensified and they escalated
beyond just your average tantrum.

So we started eliminating food dyes.
Fruit Loops and M&M's were the first to go.
Then mac and cheese colored with Yellow 5.
It was actually pretty easy to eliminate some things....
I mean blue cereal is kind of an obvious offender.

But over the last 8 months, I have been so surprised at how many things
 have artificial coloring in them!
Things like cake mixes, salad dressing, bottled juice, and even chocolate pudding.
There have been lots of times where I'll rack my brain trying to figure out
what Blake's had with dyes in it, because I can
just tell when he has them!
And there hasn't been a single time that I've thought "What in the world did he have?"
that I haven't discovered something I missed.
It's the blue dye in his toothpaste that I didn't think to check for.
It's the Red 40 and Blue 1 in his children's pain reliever and the cold medicine we gave him.
After all, what kid would take either of those if they weren't purple and grape flavored, right?!

There's alot of days where I struggle with this.
I don't think for a second that every time Blake has a meltdown
the colors of the rainbow are to blame.
In fact, pretty much having eliminated all artificial coloring from his diet means
the poor kid's got no excuses :)
Well, except for the occasional sugar overload and the understanding that
he isn't quite 3 years old yet!
In that sense, it's actually been easier as a parent to train and
discipline through those tantrums
now that we know we've done what we can
to not add "fuel to the fire".

But I still have a hard time, especially this time of year, when there are
so many treats and special snacks that we just have to say no to.
Is it the end of the world? No.
It's not a peanut allergy that could cost our son his life if we're not careful.
It's not a milk or egg or gluten allergy that could make him really sick.
And yet, in some ways that's how I have to think of it.
We have to be the ones to do what's best for our kid
even when it's hard.
Even when we feel like we're big meanies for not letting Blake
drink chocolate milk and eat candy-coated everything.

I'm thankful that it's getting more popular to color things naturally.
I'm hopeful that more and more manufacturers will head in that direction.
 I'm thankful for the support we've gotten from our families and for the
others out there who know what I'm talking about because they've
seen their kids have the same reactions.
I'm hopeful that someday (like when he's 15), Blake will be able to have the
occasional Mountain Dew and candy bar.

In the mean time, I'm just grateful that God allowed us to find a solution that works.
And I'm so encouraged that when we pray for answers,
God gives them!
And Pepperidge Farm, if you're listening...
thanks for those beet-juice dyed goldfishies.
They are a certain little boy's go-to snack.

For more information on artificial dyes, check out...

Sorta Crunchy

Die, Food Dye!

bloom

Do you ever argue with God?

I have found myself on so many occasions the last few months literally arguing with God,

as if I somehow know better than Him.

As if my own insecurity, fear, stubborn nature, or lack of time, motivation, and discipline

will somehow sway His mind...His plans...His purposes.

I argue with Him because on one hand I feel compelled to write. 

 To try to be an encouragement to other mama's out there who

might be going through the daily joys, struggles, and insecurities that

I am with my own kids.

I want to listen to that still, small voice that says to just

be real and be me. 

On the other hand, I argue all the fine points of why this is a bad idea. 

I don’t have all the answers. I'm sleep deprived. 

I don't remember to take my camera to huge family parties, 

let alone drag it out for the day in, day out stuff. 

I'm new at this...my kids still drool and don't know their ABC's. 

This little blog space is a love/hate relationship for me. 

I love to write.

I hate feeling dumb. 

And I feel dumb when I write and nobody comments.

I feel dumb when I unintentionally sound like someone I am not.

I feel dumb when I freak out that someone from Russia viewed my blog

and I convince myself someone's coming after me. 

(Postpartum hormone anxiety....true story.)

But at the same time, I want God to use me.

In His way. His time. For His glory.

I don't think I have unique, new thoughts to share.

But I have a huge desire to write about being a mom.

Awhile back, I saw an episode of the Duggar's show,

19 Kids and Counting...

long story short, they were visiting a church that hosts a mom's group called

BLOOM.

It stands for Building A Legacy Out Of Motherhood. 

I was intrigued. 

That's what I want for my kids. For my life. 

Not to be some well-known, hugely successful person.

But to leave a legacy for my kids.

I don't really even know what that means exactly....I just know that I want my kids to grow up knowing

they are loved, they are precious, they are created for a divine purpose.

They have a choice to love God, love others, advance the Kingdom of Christ, 

to do justly, love mercy...

 This is me obeying. 

I encourage Blake, all day it seems, to not be stubborn and just 

choose to obey. 

I'm going to try. If I write once a week, well okay then!

If somebody is encouraged, inspired, drawn closer to the

heart of an amazing God...

then praise to His name. 

If I fail in my own eyes, or the eyes of others...that's okay too. 

He is the hurricane. 

I'm barely a breeze.  

Our Girl

We welcomed our little girl just over two months ago!

Kelcie Makenna

7 pounds 11 ounces. 20 inches long

We are in love with her newborn smell, her sweet sweet smiles, her dark brown hair and soon to be eyes.

I have spent the last 2 months soaking up her sweetness and cherishing 

the little girl God gave me.

His love is unfathomable...she is my proof. 

There is SO much that God has been doing...working on me about...letting me experience since I last blogged. I don't know what the future holds...I am itching to write again, but finding the time to devote to this little space has come in second place to just

living life.

But my hope is to pop in every once in awhile at least, and see what God uses me to say and share. 

More thoughts...but for another day!

*Love & Blessings*

Knowing

Knowing that something with the potential to powerfully change my life is on the horizon

is more than enough to make me

act like a little kid with ants in her pants. 

Knowing that in just over three-ish months, our baby girl will be here

both thrills my heart 

and 

terrifies my soul!

I am bored with being pregnant...I just want to kiss those sweet cheeks. 

I am stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, and regularly a 

ball of snotty weepiness...

I just want Blake to not make our days a battle over 

everything. 

But he is two. Our days will be battles for awhile. 

I cling to the little glimpses of progress I see...the times he responds to our instructions

without a defiant

"NO"

"Blakey NOT want"...

you know the drill. 

I cling to the times where I am not being stared at, three items into our grocery list,

because my son's sin nature is rearing it's ugly head. 

I live for the moments where he kisses my cheek or busters my belly.

And I try to remember that while these are the days that

try a mommy's soul...

these are also the

best days of my life. 

This picture is from last Easter. 

Blake still had his beloved pacifier...bo-bo. 

He still fit in a ring-sling carrier on my back. 

His hair still had the slightest hint of red to it. 

The times that I find myself wishing for the next stage of life,

the one where things will be -in my mind at least-

easier,

less demanding,

more enjoyable...

I stop. 

And I think about the time that has already passed and 

I pray for

a giving spirit, 

a patient heart,

a loving response, 

a grace-filled moment 

both to receive and to give. 

Because I know that next year 

I will be looking back at pictures and feeling that little twinge of pain

in my heart, knowing I can't ever have those days back. 

Knowing that there will be two little gifts from God toddling around 

with

huge chunks of my heart. 

Knowing that every day is filled with moments I can choose 

to resent or to cherish. 

Because either way, they won't ever be here again. 

Hello Monday

Hello new week.

Hello blahs.

Hello 39 degrees...weren't you 86 last week?

Hello fresh start.

Hello two year old tantrums.

Hello God's grace to meet my day.

Hello laundry. Dishes. Papers. 

Hello chicken nuggets for lunch. 

Hello odd cravings...

Cheerios,

Mexican Tortilla Soup, 

Capri Sun, 

Gummy Bears.

Hello nap time...I've missed you. 

Hello little boy kisses. 

Hello sweet lunchtime phone call.

Hello piano students...you practiced, right?

Hello soft baby girl kicks inside my belly.

Hello Country Pork Chops for dinner.

Hello my hubby...you were missed. 

Hello hugs.

Hello my mama...you brighten my day. 

Thanks for loving on my boy. 

Hello joy. Peace. Patience. 

Thanks for fruit in my life, Lord. 

Hello American Pickers. 

Hello Johnson & Johnson smelling boy. 

Hello warm jammies.

Hello bed time snacks.

Hello hope. 

Hello dreams. 

Hello,

Goodnight. 

What He's Up To...

Things Mommy Hears Me Say...

"I not weally wike"

"What dat noise?"

"Why daddy beep?" 

(why did daddy burp....asked randomly throughout the day. While Josh is working...)

"Where mommy's/daddy's car-ee?"

"TAAA-NAA!!!"

(after something totally impressive, of course)

"I meees _______!"

(He misses lots of things lately...daddy, grammie, the horse at Meijer)

"What daddy dooo-ing?"

"Where daddy go?"

Things I Love....

Maner and M'Keeeen

(Tow-Mater and McQueen)

Grammie and Papa...and Grammie's cookies

(those cookies have major power...proven to cure any toddler ailment!)

Bwi

(aka...Auntie Bri, also "Where Bri car-ee?")

Naming his aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends when we look at pictures on the fridge

Giving kisses...even to the sweet girls in nursery....um, lady's man??

Standing on his Cars 2 chair or the step-stool to open doors, turn the lights on and off...

make trouble!

Helping mommy with the broom and shoveling snow with daddy

My Favorite Shows....

Curious George

Caillou 

(mommy loves that...not!)

Barney

Cars 2

Thomas the Tank Engine

Things I Can Do Now...

Put my own socks and shoes on

Jump with both feet off the ground

Go up and down the stairs

Melt hearts with his smile

Say "Bye-Bye"and wave as we leave a store, Grammie and Papa's, or the church nursery

Trouble I've Made Recently....

Dumped all of mommy's Rolled Oats throughout the house while she was showering

Dug out the inside of a candle

Ate most of my crayons

Took my pants and diaper off...and hid under a blanket

Things That Melt Mommy's Heart...

His smile

Hearing him say "Kay, Mommy"

Watching him learn and grow into such a sweet little boy

When he kisses mommy's belly...he knows there's a baby in there!

Kisses and hugs after naptime

The way he adores his daddy

His big, brown eyes

The zest for life that he has...every single day

"I wuv you!"

Overhaul

Things are a little messy around here right now...the house and the blog! Josh and I just got back yesterday around lunch time from a weekend in the snow- with 50 teenagers! So needless to say, my day has been filled with laundry, making the grocery list I never made last week, clipping coupons, unpacking bags, and snuggling my little man who I missed this much!


The blog is undergoing yet another transformation. I am not a gifted graphic designer, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. So it's a work in progress...but I finally feel like I got it right this time. The colors, the design. It feels like "me". And I'm loving the process!

The house. The blog. And....my heart! Doesn't it seem like just when you think you're good to coast along, suddenly you realize how very much there is to work on? Just when I think I've washed the last shirt, Blake finds something to spill. Just when I think I'm in love with my blog design, I realize it just doesn't fit my purpose and I start fresh again.

Just when I think I've been growing and learning what I should be doing in life, God shows me a glimpse of the bigger picture and I realize how much I have to work on. It can be overwhelming to think about. Where am I at in my marriage? How am I doing with intentionally leading Blake's heart, not just his actions? What about those "baggage boxes" I've been storing away in the basement of my heart? All things to surrender. All things that I have to acknowledge are so far from the standard Jesus set.

When you're attempting to overhaul something, many times things get messier before they get cleaner. The closet that will forever be your arch-enemy of organization? It looks a million times worse when the contents are piled on the floor as you're sorting and purging, doesn't it? It's the same with our hearts...when we're pulling out all the junk we hold onto and laying it before the Lord, things look so messy.  So raw. So overwhelming!

But it's the cleaning, the purging, the straightening out, that makes our houses and our hearts function at their best. Letting go of things that weigh us down and add clutter to our lives is so much easier to do when it's a tangible box of Goodwill donations! When it's my heart, there's a different story to tell. I argue. I justify. I cling to an unforgiving attitude, the boundary lines I've established, the walls I've built, the dashed hopes of yesterday and the forgotten dreams of tomorrow. And for what?? It's not like they serve a purpose or bring any satisfaction. In fact if I'm honest about it, they only serve to cause discouragement, dissatisfaction, discontentment...all things that I do not want in my heart or life!


So the overhaul begins. I'm struggling to start the process and to humbly lay my garbage bags of junk at Jesus' feet as I ask Him to "take out the trash". Maybe that's why it's so hard? The very One whose standard I can't live up to is the only one who can clean up my heart space. There's such an unusual feeling to it all...it's humbling and sobering, and at the same time it brings such relief and joy and gratitude to those dark, dingy corners of my little heart!

Philippians 1:6 "He who started the work, will be faithful to complete it in you!"

Finding My Spot

When I was younger, I really felt like I knew who I was. 

I knew where I fit. 

Within family.

Friends. 

Life. 

Growing up means that you kind of lose that spot where you fit...

and you have to find your new spot. 

In college, I started to wrestle with that idea. 

Things were changing...new people, starting college, new job. 

So I started making a list. 

A list of everything I loved and the things that made me happy. 

Things like...

the color of cobalt blue, 

daisies and hydrangeas, 

watching chick flicks, 

Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, 

a boy I thought was my future 

(who shall remain safely anonymous...wink*),

running,

spending time with my family, 

cleaning and organizing...

The list let anyone reading it have a glimpse into what made me

me. 

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I'm feeling the need for a list again. 

Getting married, having Blake, expecting our newest little one...

all such wonderful things, and exactly what I've always wanted, 

and yet...

they've put me into such a different spot in life, it's hard to know who I am at times. 

I know I'm Josh's wife...I'm learning how to love him, grow with him, become one. 

I know I'm mommy to my sweet boy and my baby on the way. 

That means snuggles and kisses, 

goldfish crackers, 

changing diapers, 

reading books...

But I guess lately, I just am trying to find my place again.

Trying to feel like me. 

And sometimes I don't even know who that is!

What I like, 

what I am striving for, 

who God's making me and

what He's using me for. 

What's my style...do I have one??

I see pictures of cute bobbed haircuts, and think how much I want to 

cut off the 2 years of length I worked so hard to grow.

I see moms my age wearing all these sweet, trendy clothes

or decorating their houses to be modern and fresh and fun.

I like that. 

It makes me feel like me. 

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But I don't just want outward things...

I want to be a good wife and mom.

A woman of character, 

virtue, 

intention. 

The deeper stuff beyond the clothes and espresso-colored end tables. 

I guess all I'm saying is that

I want to be the best me I can be. 

Whoever that is.

Whatever God makes me

for this stage of my life. 

The things that make me more like Him, 

shine for Him, 

have zest for the life He gives every day. 

And...

the things that make me tick, 

make me happy, 

bring me joy. 

A good book (and time to read it!), 

looking put together, and ok...a little trendy,

having plans to brighten someone's day 

and making it happen, 

crafting, 

decorating our home...

I'm working on my list and I'm finding my spot.