Friday, January 25, 2013

Wanting Nothing

There is SO much on my mind today...
alot of things I could write a blog post about all by themselves. 
This may come out a bit jumbled for that very reason! 
But today I just need to expressive...and put some thoughts out there. 

I'll start with the most prominent.
I have the blues. 
There. I said it. 
I haven't figured out if it's postpartum or "I live in Michigan" blues. 
There's a distinct lack of sunlight around these parts from November to, eh, April give or take =)
Some days I just wake up completely unmotivated, discouraged, exhausted, and angry. 
The next day I could be totally fine. 
I'm struggling...but staying afloat. 

This is new to me.
I have always been a deeply emotional person, but have not had this intensity of feeling before!
I'm thankful for the Word of God and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit...
it is such a comfort to know that I am not alone.
And on the rare day that the sun comes out from behind the clouds, I sit by our slider door
soaking in all the Vitamin D I can get!

So that leads me to yesterday and my thoughts on not being a perfect mommy...
Blake just had a really hard day obeying. 
He asks, "Why?" after everything I say really, everything.
Dinner time rolled around, and I- being the organized person I am- had nothing thawing.
Blake got upset about something ( thankfully I don't even remember what today!), 
and all of a sudden 25 minutes were spent calming him down, dealing with
the consequences of his choices,
reading the story of Jonah disobeying God,
praying a little "I'm sorry" prayer,
hugs and kisses, 
and I was back to the kitchen to work on dinner. 

Frozen tilapia was the first thing that caught my eye when I opened the freezer door. 
I decided to bread it in some cornmeal and pan fry it. 
Do you think the frozen fillets fit in the cereal bowls I'd filled with flour, egg, and cornmeal??
So there I am with the dullest knife we own trying to saw frozen fish in half
 so I can fit it in the dumb bowl and get it in the pan. And it occurred to me that when I had the thought 
"Maybe Josh could pick up Subway for dinner."
two hours before we hit meltdown mode, 
I should have just acted on it. 

Instead, partly out of pride and partly out of feeling like a big, fat failure, 
I chose to plunge ahead into dinner myself and not ask for help. 
Long story made the rest of our night kind of stinky. 
And as I sat rocking Kelcie before bed last night, I just started sobbing. 
I felt so discouraged. So up and down and all over the place. 
And I cried really, really hard for like 3 minutes and prayed, 
"I'm sooooo tired Lord! I don't even know what's wrong with me....this is ridiculous. I'm a mess. 
I just need to know we're going to be okay. Can you make my babies sleep all night??"
And on. You get the picture. (Pathetic...I know.)

They didn't. Sleep, I mean. I'm still just as tired today as I have been. 
My head is still pounding from either sinus pressure, the fact that I should get my eyes checked, 
or the tumor that my inner hypochondriac is convinced
I have growing in my brain. 
But for some reason when I got Blake settled in his Lightning McQueen chair watching 
Bob the Builder at 6:57 this morning, 
I came back into my bed and pulled up the daily Bible reading app
that I am at least 13 days behind on. 

I read for a little bit and came to this verse....
"Forty years you provided for them in the wilderness,
and they were not in want;
Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not become swollen."
It's found in Nehemiah simple, but it jumped off the page at me. 
It was as if God was saying to me, if He provided for the Israelites for
forty years without them having need of anything
surely He will provide for me today.

It was such a small little word of encouragement.
But it meant so much to me this morning. 
That still small voice whispering that He's there, that He knows, and that He cares. 
That's all I needed. 
Today doesn't have to be perfect. 
It doesn't even have to go well for that matter. 
It just has to be rejoiced in because it's the day that He made.
It's the day He's in complete control of. 
And He will provide for me so well, that I will have need of nothing. 


1 comment:

Ashley said...

So, I have so been where you are right now. In fact, it has been an ongoing battle for me. I have good days and good weeks and then days and weeks where all I feel is unhappiness. I am so blessed but sometimes it can be hard to see it. I know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel but it can be hard to see it sometimes. Hang in there. It can be a constant work in progress. Trust me.