Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Finding My Spot

When I was younger, I really felt like I knew who I was. 
I knew where I fit. 
Within family.
Growing up means that you kind of lose that spot where you fit...
and you have to find your new spot. 

In college, I started to wrestle with that idea. 
Things were people, starting college, new job. 
So I started making a list. 

A list of everything I loved and the things that made me happy. 
Things like...

the color of cobalt blue, 
daisies and hydrangeas, 
watching chick flicks, 
Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, 
a boy I thought was my future 
(who shall remain safely anonymous...wink*),
spending time with my family, 
cleaning and organizing...

The list let anyone reading it have a glimpse into what made me

I'm feeling the need for a list again. 
Getting married, having Blake, expecting our newest little one...
all such wonderful things, and exactly what I've always wanted, 
and yet...
they've put me into such a different spot in life, it's hard to know who I am at times. 

I know I'm Josh's wife...I'm learning how to love him, grow with him, become one. 
I know I'm mommy to my sweet boy and my baby on the way. 
That means snuggles and kisses, 
goldfish crackers, 
changing diapers, 
reading books...

But I guess lately, I just am trying to find my place again.
Trying to feel like me. 
And sometimes I don't even know who that is!
What I like, 
what I am striving for, 
who God's making me and
what He's using me for. 

What's my I have one??
I see pictures of cute bobbed haircuts, and think how much I want to 
cut off the 2 years of length I worked so hard to grow.
I see moms my age wearing all these sweet, trendy clothes
or decorating their houses to be modern and fresh and fun.
I like that. 
It makes me feel like me. 

But I don't just want outward things...
I want to be a good wife and mom.
A woman of character, 
The deeper stuff beyond the clothes and espresso-colored end tables. 

I guess all I'm saying is that
I want to be the best me I can be. 
Whoever that is.
Whatever God makes me
for this stage of my life. 

The things that make me more like Him, 
shine for Him, 
have zest for the life He gives every day. 

the things that make me tick, 
make me happy, 
bring me joy. 

A good book (and time to read it!), 
looking put together, and ok...a little trendy,
having plans to brighten someone's day 
and making it happen, 
decorating our home...

I'm working on my list and I'm finding my spot. 

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