Friday, January 25, 2013

Wanting Nothing

There is SO much on my mind today...
alot of things I could write a blog post about all by themselves. 
This may come out a bit jumbled for that very reason! 
But today I just need to expressive...and put some thoughts out there. 

I'll start with the most prominent.
I have the blues. 
There. I said it. 
I haven't figured out if it's postpartum or "I live in Michigan" blues. 
There's a distinct lack of sunlight around these parts from November to, eh, April give or take =)
Some days I just wake up completely unmotivated, discouraged, exhausted, and angry. 
The next day I could be totally fine. 
I'm struggling...but staying afloat. 

This is new to me.
I have always been a deeply emotional person, but have not had this intensity of feeling before!
I'm thankful for the Word of God and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit...
it is such a comfort to know that I am not alone.
And on the rare day that the sun comes out from behind the clouds, I sit by our slider door
soaking in all the Vitamin D I can get!

So that leads me to yesterday and my thoughts on not being a perfect mommy...
Blake just had a really hard day obeying. 
He asks, "Why?" after everything I say really, everything.
Dinner time rolled around, and I- being the organized person I am- had nothing thawing.
Blake got upset about something ( thankfully I don't even remember what today!), 
and all of a sudden 25 minutes were spent calming him down, dealing with
the consequences of his choices,
reading the story of Jonah disobeying God,
praying a little "I'm sorry" prayer,
hugs and kisses, 
and I was back to the kitchen to work on dinner. 

Frozen tilapia was the first thing that caught my eye when I opened the freezer door. 
I decided to bread it in some cornmeal and pan fry it. 
Do you think the frozen fillets fit in the cereal bowls I'd filled with flour, egg, and cornmeal??
So there I am with the dullest knife we own trying to saw frozen fish in half
 so I can fit it in the dumb bowl and get it in the pan. And it occurred to me that when I had the thought 
"Maybe Josh could pick up Subway for dinner."
two hours before we hit meltdown mode, 
I should have just acted on it. 

Instead, partly out of pride and partly out of feeling like a big, fat failure, 
I chose to plunge ahead into dinner myself and not ask for help. 
Long story made the rest of our night kind of stinky. 
And as I sat rocking Kelcie before bed last night, I just started sobbing. 
I felt so discouraged. So up and down and all over the place. 
And I cried really, really hard for like 3 minutes and prayed, 
"I'm sooooo tired Lord! I don't even know what's wrong with me....this is ridiculous. I'm a mess. 
I just need to know we're going to be okay. Can you make my babies sleep all night??"
And on. You get the picture. (Pathetic...I know.)

They didn't. Sleep, I mean. I'm still just as tired today as I have been. 
My head is still pounding from either sinus pressure, the fact that I should get my eyes checked, 
or the tumor that my inner hypochondriac is convinced
I have growing in my brain. 
But for some reason when I got Blake settled in his Lightning McQueen chair watching 
Bob the Builder at 6:57 this morning, 
I came back into my bed and pulled up the daily Bible reading app
that I am at least 13 days behind on. 

I read for a little bit and came to this verse....
"Forty years you provided for them in the wilderness,
and they were not in want;
Their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not become swollen."
It's found in Nehemiah simple, but it jumped off the page at me. 
It was as if God was saying to me, if He provided for the Israelites for
forty years without them having need of anything
surely He will provide for me today.

It was such a small little word of encouragement.
But it meant so much to me this morning. 
That still small voice whispering that He's there, that He knows, and that He cares. 
That's all I needed. 
Today doesn't have to be perfect. 
It doesn't even have to go well for that matter. 
It just has to be rejoiced in because it's the day that He made.
It's the day He's in complete control of. 
And He will provide for me so well, that I will have need of nothing. 


Monday, January 14, 2013

Being Intentional

I'm assuming it's a well-known fact that I am not a morning person.
I don't actively carry on conversations before 10 am.
Blake, however, is.
Just a few weeks ago I scored one of those "Light Up Alarm Clocks"
off of Ebay that are supposed to teach your child to sleep.
Somehow the magic green light that comes on ONLY at the
predetermined time set by the mamas and the papas
is supposed to keep your child in bed.
Blissfully sleeping until the light comes on and you hear their
angelic voices sing out "Mother dear, I've awoken!"
Glad I only spent $9.99 and not the forty dollars new that Amazon wanted.
We've (wait. I ) have still been up at least once every night since we got the clock
to tuck Blake back in and remind him that
the light is not green yet.
So here we are...Monday morning.
He's walking around with a poopy diaper that he's not quite ready for me to change.
(There are time limits on those things, kiddo....)
I'm finally in clean out and organize mode.
He's in plop a construction hat on mommy's head and grab her around the neck
while smelling like a landfill mode.
I'm washing bedding and doing dishes.
He's lining up matchbox cars and telling me to pick one.
Every time I pick one the conversation goes like this:
"I'll be this one."
"No, Fresco Boonie not workin."
"Oh. Francesco Bernoulli isn't working? I'll be Finn."
"Finn kinda broken..."
The point here is this...
Every day I strive to make a conscious, well semi-conscious, choice around 7:15am
to be the mom that God gives me an opportunity to be.
It's my choice.
Somedays it's the easiest thing in the world...
somedays it's not.
But everyday I get to choose whether or not I'm going to engage and be intentional
with my kids.
There are times that it feels overwhelming and exhausting to think about
meeting one more demand.
But I think what I'm learning, is that it is truly a choice
and if I choose to step into the ring
the rewards are enormous.
Just spending 15 minutes playing with Blake usually means his
little love tank gets filled and
 I can go accomplish a few of my to-do's for the day.
If I do it the other way around, I never seem to sit down and give him that time
that he so badly wants!
So I'm striving this year to be intentional with my kids.
To just be okay with sitting still and playing cars with Blake or
laughing with Kelcie and her vibrating rolly pig.
Because I know that the growing up will come way faster than
I really, truly want.
And when I'm left with more than enough time on my hands to have
a clean home and a coffee date with a friend,
I think what I'll want more than anything is just one more day
playing cars with a little boy in a stinky diaper.
Well, maybe not the stinky diaper part....just saying ;)

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Ready, Set, Rest!

I have been doing alot of catch up lately it seems...
today I did some catching up on all the blogs I follow.
There was one reoccurring theme: 
Organization and Motivation for A New Year. 

Totally fabulous!
Except for one thing....
I'm pooped. 

Are you??
Oh, I'm motivated. And I'm obnoxiously organized (usually!)
But right now, I'm ready to rest. 
My kids are ready for rest. For a "normal" schedule to their day.
And I've decided that for the next few weeks
that's ok!
It's ok, because nowhere in the book of real life does it say
we must start every new endeavor, goal, diet, exercise routine, 
or anything else for that matter
on January 1st!

(picture taken by Blake's Auntie Bri...he and his cousin Jack, in full Christmas meltdown)

Sure it's a good thing to start fresh, and sometimes that's best to do
at the beginning of a month...or year in this case. 
But on the other hand, sometimes you just have to let yourself rest!
My kids have been sick...Kelcie's on meds for croup this week. I just took
our Christmas tree down yesterday and am mapping out
our new toy storage strategy. 
I'm determined to start eating healthy and exercising again. 
Piano lessons are starting activities will be in full swing...
and right now, I just need to catch my breath. 
A moment to savor the quiet of naptime.
A moment to drink a hot cup of coffee and stare out the window
at the blanket of white. 
A moment to say "Hi God...what's your plan for this year?", before I start running with my own. 

I so badly want to see and be a part of amazing things, the kind of things that
make you stop still and marvel at. 
But I want them to be God's things. 
So before I write out a huge list of everything I promise to accomplish in 2013, 
I want to hear what He's got to say first...

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." ~ Psalm 40:5