bloom

Do you ever argue with God?

I have found myself on so many occasions the last few months literally arguing with God,

as if I somehow know better than Him.

As if my own insecurity, fear, stubborn nature, or lack of time, motivation, and discipline

will somehow sway His mind...His plans...His purposes.

I argue with Him because on one hand I feel compelled to write. 

 To try to be an encouragement to other mama's out there who

might be going through the daily joys, struggles, and insecurities that

I am with my own kids.

I want to listen to that still, small voice that says to just

be real and be me. 

On the other hand, I argue all the fine points of why this is a bad idea. 

I don’t have all the answers. I'm sleep deprived. 

I don't remember to take my camera to huge family parties, 

let alone drag it out for the day in, day out stuff. 

I'm new at this...my kids still drool and don't know their ABC's. 

This little blog space is a love/hate relationship for me. 

I love to write.

I hate feeling dumb. 

And I feel dumb when I write and nobody comments.

I feel dumb when I unintentionally sound like someone I am not.

I feel dumb when I freak out that someone from Russia viewed my blog

and I convince myself someone's coming after me. 

(Postpartum hormone anxiety....true story.)

But at the same time, I want God to use me.

In His way. His time. For His glory.

I don't think I have unique, new thoughts to share.

But I have a huge desire to write about being a mom.

Awhile back, I saw an episode of the Duggar's show,

19 Kids and Counting...

long story short, they were visiting a church that hosts a mom's group called

BLOOM.

It stands for Building A Legacy Out Of Motherhood. 

I was intrigued. 

That's what I want for my kids. For my life. 

Not to be some well-known, hugely successful person.

But to leave a legacy for my kids.

I don't really even know what that means exactly....I just know that I want my kids to grow up knowing

they are loved, they are precious, they are created for a divine purpose.

They have a choice to love God, love others, advance the Kingdom of Christ, 

to do justly, love mercy...

 This is me obeying. 

I encourage Blake, all day it seems, to not be stubborn and just 

choose to obey. 

I'm going to try. If I write once a week, well okay then!

If somebody is encouraged, inspired, drawn closer to the

heart of an amazing God...

then praise to His name. 

If I fail in my own eyes, or the eyes of others...that's okay too. 

He is the hurricane. 

I'm barely a breeze.