Knowing

Knowing that something with the potential to powerfully change my life is on the horizon

is more than enough to make me

act like a little kid with ants in her pants. 

Knowing that in just over three-ish months, our baby girl will be here

both thrills my heart 

and 

terrifies my soul!

I am bored with being pregnant...I just want to kiss those sweet cheeks. 

I am stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, and regularly a 

ball of snotty weepiness...

I just want Blake to not make our days a battle over 

everything. 

But he is two. Our days will be battles for awhile. 

I cling to the little glimpses of progress I see...the times he responds to our instructions

without a defiant

"NO"

"Blakey NOT want"...

you know the drill. 

I cling to the times where I am not being stared at, three items into our grocery list,

because my son's sin nature is rearing it's ugly head. 

I live for the moments where he kisses my cheek or busters my belly.

And I try to remember that while these are the days that

try a mommy's soul...

these are also the

best days of my life. 

This picture is from last Easter. 

Blake still had his beloved pacifier...bo-bo. 

He still fit in a ring-sling carrier on my back. 

His hair still had the slightest hint of red to it. 

The times that I find myself wishing for the next stage of life,

the one where things will be -in my mind at least-

easier,

less demanding,

more enjoyable...

I stop. 

And I think about the time that has already passed and 

I pray for

a giving spirit, 

a patient heart,

a loving response, 

a grace-filled moment 

both to receive and to give. 

Because I know that next year 

I will be looking back at pictures and feeling that little twinge of pain

in my heart, knowing I can't ever have those days back. 

Knowing that there will be two little gifts from God toddling around 

with

huge chunks of my heart. 

Knowing that every day is filled with moments I can choose 

to resent or to cherish. 

Because either way, they won't ever be here again. 

Hello Monday

Hello new week.

Hello blahs.

Hello 39 degrees...weren't you 86 last week?

Hello fresh start.

Hello two year old tantrums.

Hello God's grace to meet my day.

Hello laundry. Dishes. Papers. 

Hello chicken nuggets for lunch. 

Hello odd cravings...

Cheerios,

Mexican Tortilla Soup, 

Capri Sun, 

Gummy Bears.

Hello nap time...I've missed you. 

Hello little boy kisses. 

Hello sweet lunchtime phone call.

Hello piano students...you practiced, right?

Hello soft baby girl kicks inside my belly.

Hello Country Pork Chops for dinner.

Hello my hubby...you were missed. 

Hello hugs.

Hello my mama...you brighten my day. 

Thanks for loving on my boy. 

Hello joy. Peace. Patience. 

Thanks for fruit in my life, Lord. 

Hello American Pickers. 

Hello Johnson & Johnson smelling boy. 

Hello warm jammies.

Hello bed time snacks.

Hello hope. 

Hello dreams. 

Hello,

Goodnight. 

What He's Up To...

Things Mommy Hears Me Say...

"I not weally wike"

"What dat noise?"

"Why daddy beep?" 

(why did daddy burp....asked randomly throughout the day. While Josh is working...)

"Where mommy's/daddy's car-ee?"

"TAAA-NAA!!!"

(after something totally impressive, of course)

"I meees _______!"

(He misses lots of things lately...daddy, grammie, the horse at Meijer)

"What daddy dooo-ing?"

"Where daddy go?"

Things I Love....

Maner and M'Keeeen

(Tow-Mater and McQueen)

Grammie and Papa...and Grammie's cookies

(those cookies have major power...proven to cure any toddler ailment!)

Bwi

(aka...Auntie Bri, also "Where Bri car-ee?")

Naming his aunties, uncles, cousins, and friends when we look at pictures on the fridge

Giving kisses...even to the sweet girls in nursery....um, lady's man??

Standing on his Cars 2 chair or the step-stool to open doors, turn the lights on and off...

make trouble!

Helping mommy with the broom and shoveling snow with daddy

My Favorite Shows....

Curious George

Caillou 

(mommy loves that...not!)

Barney

Cars 2

Thomas the Tank Engine

Things I Can Do Now...

Put my own socks and shoes on

Jump with both feet off the ground

Go up and down the stairs

Melt hearts with his smile

Say "Bye-Bye"and wave as we leave a store, Grammie and Papa's, or the church nursery

Trouble I've Made Recently....

Dumped all of mommy's Rolled Oats throughout the house while she was showering

Dug out the inside of a candle

Ate most of my crayons

Took my pants and diaper off...and hid under a blanket

Things That Melt Mommy's Heart...

His smile

Hearing him say "Kay, Mommy"

Watching him learn and grow into such a sweet little boy

When he kisses mommy's belly...he knows there's a baby in there!

Kisses and hugs after naptime

The way he adores his daddy

His big, brown eyes

The zest for life that he has...every single day

"I wuv you!"

Overhaul

Things are a little messy around here right now...the house and the blog! Josh and I just got back yesterday around lunch time from a weekend in the snow- with 50 teenagers! So needless to say, my day has been filled with laundry, making the grocery list I never made last week, clipping coupons, unpacking bags, and snuggling my little man who I missed this much!


The blog is undergoing yet another transformation. I am not a gifted graphic designer, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. So it's a work in progress...but I finally feel like I got it right this time. The colors, the design. It feels like "me". And I'm loving the process!

The house. The blog. And....my heart! Doesn't it seem like just when you think you're good to coast along, suddenly you realize how very much there is to work on? Just when I think I've washed the last shirt, Blake finds something to spill. Just when I think I'm in love with my blog design, I realize it just doesn't fit my purpose and I start fresh again.

Just when I think I've been growing and learning what I should be doing in life, God shows me a glimpse of the bigger picture and I realize how much I have to work on. It can be overwhelming to think about. Where am I at in my marriage? How am I doing with intentionally leading Blake's heart, not just his actions? What about those "baggage boxes" I've been storing away in the basement of my heart? All things to surrender. All things that I have to acknowledge are so far from the standard Jesus set.

When you're attempting to overhaul something, many times things get messier before they get cleaner. The closet that will forever be your arch-enemy of organization? It looks a million times worse when the contents are piled on the floor as you're sorting and purging, doesn't it? It's the same with our hearts...when we're pulling out all the junk we hold onto and laying it before the Lord, things look so messy.  So raw. So overwhelming!

But it's the cleaning, the purging, the straightening out, that makes our houses and our hearts function at their best. Letting go of things that weigh us down and add clutter to our lives is so much easier to do when it's a tangible box of Goodwill donations! When it's my heart, there's a different story to tell. I argue. I justify. I cling to an unforgiving attitude, the boundary lines I've established, the walls I've built, the dashed hopes of yesterday and the forgotten dreams of tomorrow. And for what?? It's not like they serve a purpose or bring any satisfaction. In fact if I'm honest about it, they only serve to cause discouragement, dissatisfaction, discontentment...all things that I do not want in my heart or life!


So the overhaul begins. I'm struggling to start the process and to humbly lay my garbage bags of junk at Jesus' feet as I ask Him to "take out the trash". Maybe that's why it's so hard? The very One whose standard I can't live up to is the only one who can clean up my heart space. There's such an unusual feeling to it all...it's humbling and sobering, and at the same time it brings such relief and joy and gratitude to those dark, dingy corners of my little heart!

Philippians 1:6 "He who started the work, will be faithful to complete it in you!"

Finding My Spot

When I was younger, I really felt like I knew who I was. 

I knew where I fit. 

Within family.

Friends. 

Life. 

Growing up means that you kind of lose that spot where you fit...

and you have to find your new spot. 

In college, I started to wrestle with that idea. 

Things were changing...new people, starting college, new job. 

So I started making a list. 

A list of everything I loved and the things that made me happy. 

Things like...

the color of cobalt blue, 

daisies and hydrangeas, 

watching chick flicks, 

Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, 

a boy I thought was my future 

(who shall remain safely anonymous...wink*),

running,

spending time with my family, 

cleaning and organizing...

The list let anyone reading it have a glimpse into what made me

me. 

source

I'm feeling the need for a list again. 

Getting married, having Blake, expecting our newest little one...

all such wonderful things, and exactly what I've always wanted, 

and yet...

they've put me into such a different spot in life, it's hard to know who I am at times. 

I know I'm Josh's wife...I'm learning how to love him, grow with him, become one. 

I know I'm mommy to my sweet boy and my baby on the way. 

That means snuggles and kisses, 

goldfish crackers, 

changing diapers, 

reading books...

But I guess lately, I just am trying to find my place again.

Trying to feel like me. 

And sometimes I don't even know who that is!

What I like, 

what I am striving for, 

who God's making me and

what He's using me for. 

What's my style...do I have one??

I see pictures of cute bobbed haircuts, and think how much I want to 

cut off the 2 years of length I worked so hard to grow.

I see moms my age wearing all these sweet, trendy clothes

or decorating their houses to be modern and fresh and fun.

I like that. 

It makes me feel like me. 

source

But I don't just want outward things...

I want to be a good wife and mom.

A woman of character, 

virtue, 

intention. 

The deeper stuff beyond the clothes and espresso-colored end tables. 

I guess all I'm saying is that

I want to be the best me I can be. 

Whoever that is.

Whatever God makes me

for this stage of my life. 

The things that make me more like Him, 

shine for Him, 

have zest for the life He gives every day. 

And...

the things that make me tick, 

make me happy, 

bring me joy. 

A good book (and time to read it!), 

looking put together, and ok...a little trendy,

having plans to brighten someone's day 

and making it happen, 

crafting, 

decorating our home...

I'm working on my list and I'm finding my spot. 

About Two

Pregnancy has to be the most up and down time in my life to date...

ask Josh, 

he'll tell you about the times that I am laughing hysterically at 

something he's just said;

and how seconds later he realizes I am sobbing

just as hysterically about something else. 

I will be honest with you...

one day last week was the first time I have 

let myself be excited about Baby #2. 

I had the television on after lunchtime Barney was over, 

and I found myself watching Baby Story on TLC.

Normally, that show makes me cry....or irritated at all the skinny women who look like they 

just happened to swallow a basketball. 

But when I saw the little baby all snuggled up in his hospital cap and blanket, I thought

I can't wait for that day to come.

I felt real.

I felt alive. 

I felt happy. 

source

Maybe you're wondering how anybody can go

weeks and weeks of being pregnant

and not feel excited...

I don't think it's that I wasn't excited, 

I think fear was stealing my joy. 

I wanted to be excited...

but my heart has been aching with fears.

Early on, I was terrified of something happening to the life inside. 

Would everything develop as it should?

Would her heart beat?

Then I struggled with stories around me of 

mama's who had picked out names, only to have to say goodbye

when that heart beat was no longer there. 

I feared timing. 

Would I still be a good mama to Blake with a newborn to care for?

Will Josh and I stay connected, on the same page...loving, caring, working our way

through married life?

I felt guilty. 

Guilt...because of the little one's those close to me have lost. 

Guilt...because I don't feel the same way I did with Blake. 

All these feelings that were so big in my heart that they 

nudged out what should have been. 

No, not happiness. 

Trust. 

Happiness, excitement, that yeow feeling...

they come and go.

It's life.

It's normal. 

Because we're human and we're up & down. 

One minute we're laughing and the next we're balling our eyes out. 

But joy?

Joy comes from trust...you find it when you rest in what you can be assured of. 

I don't know what will happen with this baby...

we pray everyday for the little life I'm carrying to grow, to develop, 

to come to us in July with ten fingers and ten toes

and the heart bursting feelings that a baby brings.

There's so much that I can not be assured of in this world. 

That's fear at it's best. 

But when I let my weary, anxious heart 

just rest...

I find joy.

And happy.

And excited.

Not because I know the future...

just because I know the One

who holds it.

Human Trafficking Awareness Day

I'd like to share with you the newest and biggest change to this blog...

the one that is closest to my heart. 

The Lord has been impressing on my heart for many months now, both the abundant life I am living and 

the bleak future of enslaved children around the world. 

Children who are forced to work long hours in horrific conditions. 

Children who have their innocence stripped from them as they are sold into sexual slavery. 

Children who have known more evil in a day than most of us will ever experience in our entire lives.

Children. 

The ones who should be kicking a ball, dressing up a doll, playing house...just brightening the world with

their sweet smiles, 

these are the ones who suffer daily. 

Today is Human Trafficking Awareness Day. 

source

I mentioned yesterday that during my break from blogging, I was seeking out what it was that

God would use this blog to accomplish...for His glory and for the benefit of others. 

As thoughts of little children trapped in brothels or living on the streets around the world weighed heavy on my mind and heart, I felt the Lord leading me to act. 

Though I'm stepping back from the "rat-race" of blogging for now, 

my purpose has changed and I am more inspired and encouraged than ever before!

"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help,

whose hope is in the Lord His God, 

Who made heaven and earth,

the seas, and all that is in them;

Who keeps truth forever,

Who executes justice for the oppressed 

Who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners."

Psalm 146:5-7

My goal for the coming year is to begin supporting ministries that fight for justice and freedom for

those affected by human trafficking.

Here are some ways that you can become involved too...

Pray!

Ask God to show you what you can do...and pray for those who are living in forced labor, sexual slavery, and who are being dealt with unjustly in their homelands.

Educate Yourself!

There are piles of information available concerning the realities of human trafficking. Sometimes it's really hard to read about...but seek to have a compassionate heart and become aware of the very real needs of others. 

Give Support!

By giving financially to missions and organizations who seek justice and restoration for the victims of human trafficking, you can be involved! Don't think that because you're not able to travel the world or kick down a brothel door, that there's nothing you can do...

support an orphan, buy items that do not come from places that use children for forced labor,

give a monthly gift either individually or find a group of people to share the joy of giving with!

Will you join me today in praying passionately 

for the end of human trafficking?

We are called in the book of Micah to

love mercy

do justly

walk humbly...

God can do such seemingly impossible things, my friends!

Please check out these organizations and seek how God would have you be involved!