Knowing

Knowing that something with the potential to powerfully change my life is on the horizon

is more than enough to make me

act like a little kid with ants in her pants. 

Knowing that in just over three-ish months, our baby girl will be here

both thrills my heart 

and 

terrifies my soul!

I am bored with being pregnant...I just want to kiss those sweet cheeks. 

I am stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, and regularly a 

ball of snotty weepiness...

I just want Blake to not make our days a battle over 

everything. 

But he is two. Our days will be battles for awhile. 

I cling to the little glimpses of progress I see...the times he responds to our instructions

without a defiant

"NO"

"Blakey NOT want"...

you know the drill. 

I cling to the times where I am not being stared at, three items into our grocery list,

because my son's sin nature is rearing it's ugly head. 

I live for the moments where he kisses my cheek or busters my belly.

And I try to remember that while these are the days that

try a mommy's soul...

these are also the

best days of my life. 

This picture is from last Easter. 

Blake still had his beloved pacifier...bo-bo. 

He still fit in a ring-sling carrier on my back. 

His hair still had the slightest hint of red to it. 

The times that I find myself wishing for the next stage of life,

the one where things will be -in my mind at least-

easier,

less demanding,

more enjoyable...

I stop. 

And I think about the time that has already passed and 

I pray for

a giving spirit, 

a patient heart,

a loving response, 

a grace-filled moment 

both to receive and to give. 

Because I know that next year 

I will be looking back at pictures and feeling that little twinge of pain

in my heart, knowing I can't ever have those days back. 

Knowing that there will be two little gifts from God toddling around 

with

huge chunks of my heart. 

Knowing that every day is filled with moments I can choose 

to resent or to cherish. 

Because either way, they won't ever be here again.