Wednesday, January 18, 2012

About Two

Pregnancy has to be the most up and down time in my life to date...
ask Josh
he'll tell you about the times that I am laughing hysterically at 
something he's just said;
and how seconds later he realizes I am sobbing
just as hysterically about something else. 

I will be honest with you...
one day last week was the first time I have 
let myself be excited about Baby #2. 

I had the television on after lunchtime Barney was over, 
and I found myself watching Baby Story on TLC.
Normally, that show makes me cry....or irritated at all the skinny women who look like they 
just happened to swallow a basketball. 
But when I saw the little baby all snuggled up in his hospital cap and blanket, I thought
I can't wait for that day to come.
I felt real.
I felt alive. 
I felt happy. 

Maybe you're wondering how anybody can go
weeks and weeks of being pregnant
and not feel excited...

I don't think it's that I wasn't excited, 
I think fear was stealing my joy. 

I wanted to be excited...
but my heart has been aching with fears.

Early on, I was terrified of something happening to the life inside. 
Would everything develop as it should?
Would her heart beat?

Then I struggled with stories around me of 
mama's who had picked out names, only to have to say goodbye
when that heart beat was no longer there. 

I feared timing. 
Would I still be a good mama to Blake with a newborn to care for?
Will Josh and I stay connected, on the same page...loving, caring, working our way
through married life?

I felt guilty. 
Guilt...because of the little one's those close to me have lost. 
Guilt...because I don't feel the same way I did with Blake. 
All these feelings that were so big in my heart that they 
nudged out what should have been. 

No, not happiness. 

Happiness, excitement, that yeow feeling...
they come and go.
It's life.
It's normal. 
Because we're human and we're up & down. 
One minute we're laughing and the next we're balling our eyes out. 
But joy?
Joy comes from find it when you rest in what you can be assured of. 
I don't know what will happen with this baby...
we pray everyday for the little life I'm carrying to grow, to develop, 
to come to us in July with ten fingers and ten toes
and the heart bursting feelings that a baby brings.

There's so much that I can not be assured of in this world. 
That's fear at it's best. 
But when I let my weary, anxious heart 
just rest...
I find joy.
And happy.
And excited.

Not because I know the future...
just because I know the One
who holds it.

1 comment:

Candace Stevenson said...

this is a lovely post, showing your real life feelings and concerns on pregnancy. COngrats on your pregnancy and I pray for everything to go fine and as it should :)

Lovely Little Rants