Hiding

I am an expert at hiding. When I was a little girl, I had the best hiding spot for the after dinner games of hide and seek my siblings and I would play. Up in my sisters' closet, I would squeeze into the very back of the highest shelf - high above the dresses, stuffed animals, and art projects. I fit perfectly in the spot where the roof line slanted down to the top of the closet. And I would wait...wondering when the "seeker" would discover me!

The times spent running wild through the house throwing open closet doors and looking behind furniture as a kid are some of my sweetest memories. Now that I'm older and I've lived through some of life's less kind moments, I realize that my hiding doesn't involve a child's game anymore. It involves my heart.

I am a private person. In more than one of the "talking to myself " sessions I've had recently, my thought has been Um, do you realize you're writing a blog?? What do you think you're going to accomplish by telling people what kind of makeup you wear? Nobody cares, and you're going to wind up a BIG FAT FAILURE!

This is the story of my life...second guessing comes almost as naturally to me as breathing. And by golly one of these days I am determined it's going to stop! Does anyone else ever feel like the world's biggest dork? That's me. And so I hide.

I keep a certain distance from people. Sure I can be friendly- I try really hard to be. But I know there are times that I end up feeling disconnected from others and lonely by my own doing. What am I so afraid of? Rejection, hurt feelings, a wounded spirit, someone finding out who the "real" me is. The list could go on and on, and at the end of the day I am comfortable keeping people at arms length.

The trouble with knowing the ugly truth about yourself is that there's nowhere to hang blame's hat except on your own hat rack. It's mine....I own it. And what I'm learning is that it's okay to be vulnerable and honest and open. For every one situation that leaves me feeling stupid, insecure, fat, a cheap copy of someone else; there are a dozen others that leave me breathless at the humility, grace, and kindness of the people I am surrounded by. And that inspires my heart.

I guess that's why I keep writing, I keep making little trinkets and painting old furniture. Because I feel inspired to find out who God made me to be. I feel inspired to live without fear. I feel inspired to grow and give to other people simply by sharing what I feel and I see and I experience. Not because I've got great wisdom or insight...but because I can boast in nothing but Jesus Christ and His work in my life.

That's not something to hide! That's something to celebrate, to express openly and freely to His glory and to the encouraging of the ones He graciously allows me share my life with. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I am not bound to the past ..."take these shackles off my feet so I can dance...I just wanna Praise You, just wanna Praise You!"

These are 2 songs that always encourage me when hurt and shame point the accusing finger at my heart...I hope they'll do the same for you!