Fall is a bittersweet time of year. I long for it to come...with it's cool breezes, warm sunshine, pumpkins, apple cider, and beautiful changing leaves! But I struggle through August knowing that fall is on it's way...I'm not a summer person, so I never really could put my finger on the feelings I seem to have every year around this time. I'm not sad to see the hot weather go, but I'm also filled with an agitation deep within that leaves me feeling unsettled. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Like something buried deep inside is about to come flooding out of me.
None of these feelings ever really made sense to me....fall is such a wonderful time of year!! Josh and I celebrate our anniversary in October, we bought our first home in the fall, and I am a sweater-lover by nature. But lately I've been thinking about the early parts of fall, and why I feel the way I do as it approaches.
This year marks the 10 year anniversary of the September 11 attacks. The attacks on my country had a profound impact in my life, and I feel a huge sense of sadness around this time ever since that day.
As we came face to face with evil in a way none of us ever had, it shook us to the core. It's a day no American will forget...it touches us deep down into our souls.
The fall holds sadness, fear, and uncertainty when we remember that day. It started out like any other fall day- bright blue skies, warm sun, a cool breeze- it was common, it was normal, it was comfortable. I think that's why those same kind of days in the present hold such a melancholy feeling.
It's not something I can brush aside or rush through...September 11 has to pass before I can truly feel the wonder of autumn and celebrate it's beauty. So in honor of those who gave their lives that day, 10 years ago this Sunday, and those who willingly serve and give their lives to protect the freedom we enjoy as Americans, I am going to take the next few days to simply remember.
I am remembering the lives lost, the hopelessness felt as people jumped to their deaths out of the burning towers. I am remembering the bravery of the ordinary people who gave their lives taking back the aircraft headed towards the Capitol, and the hijacked airplane they were on crashing into a Pennsylvania field.
I am remembering the candles lit, the prayers said for our nation.
And I am remembering hope. A deep, certain hope that comes only from knowing the Savior of the world. When the world seems to be falling apart around me, I run to Him. To the safety and security of His strong grip. Without Him I am lost, I am hopeless, I am fearful.
My heart aches and my eyes well up with tears as I relive the horror of that day through special programs and newscasts. Someone once told me that I feel things very deeply- I love deeply, I feel sadness deeply, I worry deeply. I think that's why September 11th still has such a grip on my soul.
But I also hope deeply. Because when you feel evil and hate and loss so deeply...the only option is to feel hope and peace and certainty just as deeply. I believe in good coming from evil...because I have a big God and He is in the business of giving beauty for ashes. That's where my hope is. That's what makes the world crashing down seem bearable. That's what makes the beauty of fall a reality to me.