Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Finding Balance

Thinking can be so exhausting at times...
and so can writing.
I always thought writing out my thoughts was a sort of release. Just getting those words tumbling around in my mind, out on to paper somehow seemed to make everything clearer. 
Like a weight had been lifted. 

I haven't found that with blogging...maybe because it is so un-private. 
And as I said here, I'm a private person. 
At some point though, I guess we all have to own up to who we are. So I'm trying...

I am struggling to find balance in my life lately. In so many areas! 
Some of those areas are small, maybe even insignificant...like not spending too much time on my appearance, but not wearing my pajama pants all day, wink*

Some areas are more significant. 
Like eating. 
I struggle mentally and physically sometimes on a daily basis with keeping balance in this area. I have struggled since high school...sometimes choosing to go without eating for days, sometimes choosing to not keep what I've eaten in my body, sometimes eating more french fries in a week than a human being should. 
It is a battle I have fought and lost in the past. It is a battle I still fight today. 

The more stress I feel, the harder I find the balancing act to be. 
I try really hard to just eat healthy foods, appropriate portions, and do at least some kind of exercise. 
But then there are the times that I look in the mirror and see the stretch marks, the lumps and bumps...
and I start to see-saw. 

I start to think about how thin other women are. I start to think about every calorie, every carb. 
I choose to see my outward appearance as greater than my inward. 
And I search through my memory for some small nugget of truth that says,
God looks on the heart.
He wants me to be healthy. He wants me to see who I am in Him. 
And I want that too!
But I forget it sometimes...

I want to be healthy. I want to have a settled heart and balanced mind, so I can tell others that they aren't defined by the clothes they wear or the size they are. 
That they are cherished, and precious, and beautiful to their Creator. 
But I have to believe it myself...

So I'm fighting the thoughts. I'm fighting the feelings. I'm fighting for truth. 
Maybe it seems silly...struggling over whether or not to stop for a milkshake, 
whether to do 30 or 45 minutes on the elliptical, whether or not to skip a meal.

But I struggle. 
And I'm tired. 

And I'm trying to hold tightly to hope. 
Hope in the promise that someday I won't struggle anymore. Hope that tomorrow is a new day and I won't feel as tired of the battle. Hope that one day I'll be new and whole and perfect. 
Hope that God can use me to encourage someone else...


Anonymous said...

you should know... i have stretch marks on my thighs and no sweet little stinker to blame them on, and also you are the reason i pretend to be a ginger in the fall, my inspiration for combining patterns and trying to be whimsical, and also i think you are far more gorgeous than you know. <3 i love you sistah!

Mindy Harris said...

i am one of your newest followers. found u thru soleil selene.

Mindy Harris said...

thanks for saying hi on my blog!! do you follow too?

melissa said...

New follower!

finding balance is always such a difficult task...it's always a struggle but it's also an adventure! That's how I like to look at things.

Things always work out in the end :)

Kristina said...

Hey, thanks for the follow! Following you back. Looking forward to it!

Josie said...

Such a sweet and genuine post. I have those same days, girl. I love to workout, and I do love healthy food. But some days I feel like just dwelling on my stretch marks/cellulite/baby pooch. I feel so helpless that no amount of exercise can get rid of my flaws. I know my baby is worth it. Some days it's just not enough to make me not be bothered by my scars. It's such a breath of fresh air to know I'm not the only momma going through this. And I do believe that some day we won't struggle like this anymore. :) Stay hopeful, and be strong! Thanks for sharing.

My Songbook said...

I don't know if this will help you, but I've started trying to eat maily fruits and vegetables, but my rule is that I can put whatever I want on them, so load the cheese on the veggies and the (light) whipped cream on the fruit! I have a fruit smoothie for b-fast, a salad for lunch, and whatever I want for dinner. And that has been working for me. In fact, even though I tend to exaggerate on my blog about how bad I'm doing, for laughs. I actually am very happy with how I feel, and look as a result of my new diet.