About Two

Pregnancy has to be the most up and down time in my life to date...

ask Josh, 

he'll tell you about the times that I am laughing hysterically at 

something he's just said;

and how seconds later he realizes I am sobbing

just as hysterically about something else. 

I will be honest with you...

one day last week was the first time I have 

let myself be excited about Baby #2. 

I had the television on after lunchtime Barney was over, 

and I found myself watching Baby Story on TLC.

Normally, that show makes me cry....or irritated at all the skinny women who look like they 

just happened to swallow a basketball. 

But when I saw the little baby all snuggled up in his hospital cap and blanket, I thought

I can't wait for that day to come.

I felt real.

I felt alive. 

I felt happy. 

source

Maybe you're wondering how anybody can go

weeks and weeks of being pregnant

and not feel excited...

I don't think it's that I wasn't excited, 

I think fear was stealing my joy. 

I wanted to be excited...

but my heart has been aching with fears.

Early on, I was terrified of something happening to the life inside. 

Would everything develop as it should?

Would her heart beat?

Then I struggled with stories around me of 

mama's who had picked out names, only to have to say goodbye

when that heart beat was no longer there. 

I feared timing. 

Would I still be a good mama to Blake with a newborn to care for?

Will Josh and I stay connected, on the same page...loving, caring, working our way

through married life?

I felt guilty. 

Guilt...because of the little one's those close to me have lost. 

Guilt...because I don't feel the same way I did with Blake. 

All these feelings that were so big in my heart that they 

nudged out what should have been. 

No, not happiness. 

Trust. 

Happiness, excitement, that yeow feeling...

they come and go.

It's life.

It's normal. 

Because we're human and we're up & down. 

One minute we're laughing and the next we're balling our eyes out. 

But joy?

Joy comes from trust...you find it when you rest in what you can be assured of. 

I don't know what will happen with this baby...

we pray everyday for the little life I'm carrying to grow, to develop, 

to come to us in July with ten fingers and ten toes

and the heart bursting feelings that a baby brings.

There's so much that I can not be assured of in this world. 

That's fear at it's best. 

But when I let my weary, anxious heart 

just rest...

I find joy.

And happy.

And excited.

Not because I know the future...

just because I know the One

who holds it.

Human Trafficking Awareness Day

I'd like to share with you the newest and biggest change to this blog...

the one that is closest to my heart. 

The Lord has been impressing on my heart for many months now, both the abundant life I am living and 

the bleak future of enslaved children around the world. 

Children who are forced to work long hours in horrific conditions. 

Children who have their innocence stripped from them as they are sold into sexual slavery. 

Children who have known more evil in a day than most of us will ever experience in our entire lives.

Children. 

The ones who should be kicking a ball, dressing up a doll, playing house...just brightening the world with

their sweet smiles, 

these are the ones who suffer daily. 

Today is Human Trafficking Awareness Day. 

source

I mentioned yesterday that during my break from blogging, I was seeking out what it was that

God would use this blog to accomplish...for His glory and for the benefit of others. 

As thoughts of little children trapped in brothels or living on the streets around the world weighed heavy on my mind and heart, I felt the Lord leading me to act. 

Though I'm stepping back from the "rat-race" of blogging for now, 

my purpose has changed and I am more inspired and encouraged than ever before!

"Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help,

whose hope is in the Lord His God, 

Who made heaven and earth,

the seas, and all that is in them;

Who keeps truth forever,

Who executes justice for the oppressed 

Who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners."

Psalm 146:5-7

My goal for the coming year is to begin supporting ministries that fight for justice and freedom for

those affected by human trafficking.

Here are some ways that you can become involved too...

Pray!

Ask God to show you what you can do...and pray for those who are living in forced labor, sexual slavery, and who are being dealt with unjustly in their homelands.

Educate Yourself!

There are piles of information available concerning the realities of human trafficking. Sometimes it's really hard to read about...but seek to have a compassionate heart and become aware of the very real needs of others. 

Give Support!

By giving financially to missions and organizations who seek justice and restoration for the victims of human trafficking, you can be involved! Don't think that because you're not able to travel the world or kick down a brothel door, that there's nothing you can do...

support an orphan, buy items that do not come from places that use children for forced labor,

give a monthly gift either individually or find a group of people to share the joy of giving with!

Will you join me today in praying passionately 

for the end of human trafficking?

We are called in the book of Micah to

love mercy

do justly

walk humbly...

God can do such seemingly impossible things, my friends!

Please check out these organizations and seek how God would have you be involved!

Changes

As you can tell, there's some changes happening around these parts...the first, made obvious by the goofy face of my sweet boy who somehow in the blink of an eye became big enough to be 

a 

Big Brother.

We are blessed. 

We are overwhelmed with His goodness. 

We are wide-eyed at the prospect of a new baby,

while having just entered toddler-dom. 

Change. 

It used to scare me. It used to make my heart ache with what would no longer be. 

I've changed...

my heart doesn't feel afraid anymore.

I feel joy. 

I feel hopeful. 

Because I know whatever the days hold- easy or hard- God is with me. 

He is good. 

And I can only live with gratitude for the abundance He's giving. 

"I will tell of the Lord's unfailing love. I will praise the Lord for all He has done. I will rejoice in His great goodness...which He has granted because of His mercy and love!"

Isaiah 63:7

You may have noticed too, some changes with my blog. 

Back in November, when I decided to take some time away it was both out of necessity and out of desire.

Let's just say that " morning sickness" was an all day event some days and blogging was not on the 

To Do List!

But more than just physically needing a break, my heart needed some time away to think and refocus. 

What is my purpose, my mission  for the time I spend in writing? 

Does it have worth? Value? 

When I began last spring to blog daily, my intent was to keep up with my family who live out of state. My intent was to do something I love and hadn't done in a long time. 

To simply write about the joys of the day. 

Funny how things can so quickly change course, huh?

Instead of stepping away from Facebook and focusing on my blog, I found myself at a place with

 two Facebook accounts, a Twitter account, and an Etsy shop. 

The demands were high. I felt the need to grow my followers, to run with the big guns of blogging.

But friends...it's just not me. 

I love to craft...but I don't have time to run my own small business online. 

My small business involves teaching piano three nights a week. 

I love to stay connected online...but I don't want to announce my every move by Tweeting fifty times a day. 

I love to write...but not at the expense of living. Enjoying. Being in the moment. 

So I'm stepping back. 

Back into blogging.

But away from what isn't working in my life. 

source

My heart feels so full these days. 

Call it emotions. Call it hormones. 

It's probably some of both. 

But more than that, it's simply being in a place of deep reliance on my Savior. 

It's the hiding away in the safety of His simplicity. 

It's being in tune with what He's doing, and where He's leading and calling. 

It's living simply. In the moment. 

With gratitude.

A life driven by a thankful heart. 

Thankful for all things...

Taking A Break

So....I've been doing alot of thinking these last few weeks. 

Six months of consistant blogging, learning HTML code, designing

buttons and links,

hosting giveaways and sharing our sweet everyday moments has been

fabulous. 

But in my heart, there's a struggle. 

A little voice saying maybe it's time to take a step back. To listen hard. Look deep. 

Evaluate my purpose in blogging. 

I've been ignoring the gentle prompting in my heart up until last week. 

That's when I knew for sure that the little voice I kept ignoring was really

the Spirit of God...

asking me to surrender. 

source

My pastor has been speaking recently on spiritual growth. 

His first two points on the subject were

Desire and Sacrifice.

I have the desire.

Now I need to sacrifice. 

My time is not my own, and while I strive to use the days I'm given 

the best way I can,

there's still so much more I could be doing. 

Bigger things with a bigger purpose. 

So I'm taking the rest of the year off from blogging. 

You'll still see me pop in from time to time...

and I have a sweet friend's guest post coming  just in time for 

Thanksgiving.

But when I come back in January, I hope you'll be as thrilled with

some major changes and big announcements to

Today Is Sweeter

as I am. 

Right now, I just need to 

seek His face!

Have a blessed Thanksgiving and Christmas with all those you love...

see you in the New Year!!

source

Detroit Trip

L. to R. starting at the top...

1. In front of Comerica Park  2. MGM Grand Sign  3. Comerica Park Entrance

4. Hockeytown Cafe  5. Ford Field  6. My yummy dinner!

7. Joe Louis Arena  8. Hockeytown Puck  9. Josh with the Detroit Tiger

10. Gordie Howe  11. Red Wings starting line up  12. Comerica Park baseball

13. Fox Theatre  14. At the hockey game  15. Jimmy Howard

Our overnight trip to Detroit was everything I expected it to be, and everything that

I didn't expect it to be.

Call me a dreamer, but I guess in thinking of Detroit (I hadn't been since I was a kid)

I was envisioning Chicago...New York...a nice big city with tall buildings and great shopping. 

Detroit is a ghost town.

It is run-down, sad, gloomy, and has an almost eerie feeling. 

On one hand there are three multi-million dollar sports stadiums, and on the other

there are 100 year old buildings with crumbling foundations and blown out windows. 

There are season-ticket holders, and there are people who don't have a place to sleep at night. 

It left me with a lot to think about...

Josh and I were celebrating our 3rd Anniversary and this trip left me feeling

connected, appreciative, refreshed,

and in love with my guy. 

It also served to reaffirm a deep unsettled feeling in my heart...

a feeling that I've been wrestling with for a few months now. 

There was a man. In a wheelchair.

He asked us for our change as we waited to catch the shuttle to the Red Wings game.

Josh gave him what was in his pocket- probably not more than a dollar or two.

And as I watched the man wheel away from us and across the street, 

I realized he had no feet. 

So often we judge people and ask questions later. So often we think,

" Oh, he's just looking for booze money."

But what if he isn't?

What if he's a veteran?

What if he's a man who lost his job when the company he worked for sent his job overseas?

What if he has no food? No bed. No hope. 

Some people would call those thoughts naive. Overly emotional. 

But I think what my heart is feeling is

compassion. 

I longed to help this man. I longed to know if there was a shelter he could go to.

A meal he could eat. 

A place he could rest. 

And I've been feeling that feeling for other situations too lately. 

The child sold into sex slavery. 

The mama who has lost her unborn baby. 

The man about to lose his home. 
The orphan with no mama or daddy. 

I guess what I'm saying is that our get-away trip left me thinking about alot of deep things.

And I'm not quite sure I've wandered my way out yet. 

My heart feels burdened.

My hands feel ready to act. 

And I don't want to be the kind of person who says, 

"Oh, what a shame...that's so sad"

and then walks away.

Monday Update

Well friends, I promised to tell you about our weekend trip to Detroit 

and never managed to get a post together!

Tomorrow is the day. Promise....for real. 

Here's a sneak peek from the Red Wings game...

Last week, I shared an amazing Etsy shop with you.

Grace For Grace

The winner of that fabulous giveaway will be chosen this Wednesday...

But today, I want to tell you more of Tiffany Rachal's story...the talented designer of Grace For Grace. 

Tiffany is a California girl...married for 7 years and mommy to a sweet 3 year old boy. 

She is a teacher...but uses her teaching skills in an

unconventional way. 

As a result of budget cuts in her school district, Tiffany was laid off as a first-year teacher and has not

had her own classroom since. 

This is what she shared with me about that experience....enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Earlier this year, I went through some depression that I never saw coming. I had earned my elementary teaching credential in 2007, substitute taught for awhile and was finally placed in my own classroom in 2009. I was laid off from that teaching position as a first-year teacher, and because of budget cuts I haven't had my own classroom since. I was questioning my purpose and I constantly found myself asking God, 

'Why?' 

'Why am I still out of the classroom? 

I thought this was the calling that you had on my life. 

Why God? Why?'

After keeping it bottled in for some time and allowing myself to grow bitter and depressed, I finally let my husband know about the seriousness of my questions and desperate need for prayer.

We prayed together and that same night my husband helped me realize that my call to be a teacher 

didn't have to be confined to the walls of a classroom. 

He had always encouraged me to open an online shop, and through my husband, the Lord helped me to recognize that through my paintings I was still teaching. 

...Teaching His word through art!

The Lord called me to be a teacher back in 2003. It's now 2011, and although this mode of teaching is 

so far from what I had ever imagined

His plan is always perfect and He always works all things together for my good. 

My son goes to sleep at night and even after a long day of keeping up with his energy, I am still up into the wee hours of the morning...energized, completing and packing orders, starting new items, painting with worship music playing in my ear buds, and just

soaking in His words and promises. 

I'm thankful that I was obedient and didn't ignore this opportunity. I'm truly walking by faith, not by sight. 

And until the Lord says otherwise...I hope to continue to use the artistic gift that He's blessed me with to 

be a blessing to others!

source

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Such a sweet story, isn't it?

I have been so blessed to have met Tiffany and hear her story. 

Ten percent of each sale in her shop goes toward supporting 

Neetu, a seven year old girl living in India.

"Sending money her way through World Vision helps to tackle the poverty that surrounds her and

assists in providing food, shelter, clothing, disease-free water, and most importantly

a brighter future knowing that...

Jesus loves her."

Remember, you have one more day to enter the giveaway that Tiffany is doing for us.

(Click here to enter)

And don't forget to take advantage of the coupon code to her lovely shop before it's too late!

Trunk or Treat

Blake and Papa

Our little giraffe had a cold and was not a happy camper!

My monkey nephew Jack Ryan

The sweetest ice cream cone ever...my niece Addie Paige!

Katie and Jack Ryan

The birthday party Addie planned...party hats, pinata, cookies...this girl knows how to party!

 Blake's first taste of Halloween candy!

Don't forget to enter my latest giveaway here!

Coupon code GRACE10  good through next Wednesday

at Grace For Grace!!

Shepherd

Do you ever find yourself  looking back at life and wondering if things turned out 

just the way they were supposed to...
or if the choices you made interrupted the perfect plan that could have been?

No? Oh, okay...I'll shut up now.
Wait.
Can I be honest?
I think about this alot at times.

I look back at different times in my life and I think to myself
why did that situation turn out the way it did?
Was it my own doing? My choices?
 Did God allow certain things to take place in my life 
to ultimately bring Himself glory?
 Maybe it's both...
Maybe God allowed things into my life, knowing full well what my response would be,
so that in the end the story of his grace, forgiveness, and faithfulness
would make His glory shine.

I guess I start to struggle with guilt when I think about it too long.
And I have to remember that
God is faithful even when his children are not. 
(Max Lucado)


 It's easy to look back and see all the things we would have done differently were we given the opportunity.
It's easy to feel like we don't quite measure up because of  where we've been.
I remember sitting in a college Sunday school class one day where everyone voiced where they thought they'd be in 5 years. I said something along the lines of wanting to be married with a family...I said regardless of what happened in those 5 years, I wanted to be faithful. 


I failed miserably. 


I battled some of the darkest days of my life during those years.
I ran hard and fast from what I felt God asking me to do,
and I still wonder to this day what the outcome would have been
had I simply obeyed.

But I didn't and I can't go back now.
And I guess what I've come to realize is that no matter how far down the wrong road you go,
you can always turn around. 
You'll still have to travel the long road back home...
that's just the natural consequence of choosing our own way,
but you won't walk that road alone.

Shortly before the major turning point I had during those hard years, my sister Katie called me up out of the blue and said that the Lord just kept putting me on her heart that day.
I told her how I was struggling and that I was tired.
I was tired of running.
Not long after that conversation she sent me an email with a story she'd heard...
It's stuck with me ever since.

A shepherd has the important job of protecting his sheep from danger. He must always keep his eye on them, making certain that they don't wander off.  The safest place for a sheep to stay is at the shepherd's side. 

Mature sheep obviously have learned this, or they wouldn't have survived. 

When a lamb insists on wandering away and absolutely refuses to stay where it is safe, the shepherd must resort to a drastic measure in order to preserve the sheep's life. 

He breaks one of it's legs. 

This seems so cruel!! But it is the only way that a lamb will learn. The shepherd binds up the leg so that it will heal, then carries that lamb on his shoulders as the flock moves from place to place. 

Eventually the broken leg heals and the lamb is free to go where it pleases.  But by this time the sheep has become close to the shepherd and no longer wants to wander off. 

That lamb keeps his eyes on his shepherd all the time. 

The things that used to tempt him to run, are no longer appealing. 

He knows the hurt.

He'd much rather stay close to his shepherd. 

I was reminded this week of who my shepherd is.
It's Jesus.
He knows my heart, my fears, my failures, my regrets, my hurts, my joys, my desires.
When I struggle with big questions,
he gives big answers.
When I struggle with great weakness,
he reveals his great power.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures: he leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul...

source

An Anniversary Card From My Husband

So there's this guy. 

Meets a girl.

(Great girl. Really great girl.)

Somehow wins her over and convinces her 

to marry him. 

It's a HAPPY DAY!

One of the happiest of his life.

But the BEST thing is-

the happy days keep coming. 

Week after week.

Year after year. 

And even when life isn't perfect and wonderful, 

somehow she makes it better. 

Just by being herself.

Just by loving him like she does. 

And one day, it hits him. 

That whole happily-ever-after thing?

Maybe it's not just for fairy tales.

Maybe it does happen-

even to average guys like him. 

He may not own a white horse, 

but he got the girl. 

The BEST girl. 

And somewhere out there,

there's a sunset with their name on it. 

I love our story and I love you. 

Yes. I teared up as I was reading his card. 

Yes. He's more than I deserve. 

Yes. He's my best friend. 

Yes. I love him more now than I did the day I married him.

Yes. 

I do. 

Growing Pains

Do you remember as a kid feeling those unexplainable aches in your legs?

The ones that your mom would tell you were

growing pains?

I've been feeling them again. Not the stretching, aching muscles in my legs...just in my heart. 

There was a time in my life when I really didn't know if I was going to find the right guy and end up married. 

I didn't know if I'd ever have children of my own. 

It was a time where I was ready to give up on the dating scene, go back to school, and eventually settle into a little loft apartment somewhere in the city....doing my thing. 

But it was never my heart's desire. 

That has always been defined by getting married and being a mama.

Miracle of miracles....it happened!

God gives has given me way more than I deserve. That's why I can claim that today is sweeter.

Because I'm living out my sweetest dreams, friends. 

But this is also real life. 

I did not marry a perfect man. He did not marry a perfect woman.

We do not have a perfect little boy. (close though, wink*)

And for the last few weeks I have been feeling those growing pains deep in my heart. 

I've mentioned before that I feel emotions really deeply...sometimes so deep that I don't know what it is I'm feeling way down in there. It takes me awhile to go mining into the cavern of my soul, and bring those things up into the light. 

That's where I've been. 

I'm feeling the pain of a growing marriage. We fight and make-up more than I thought possible sometimes. 

And it has me longing for the simpler, unassuming days of courtship where everything Josh did made him superman in my eyes. (Well, almost everything!)

Now it seems he comes home to far more expectations, and far less appreciation. 

We are struggling to sacrifice, to give, to let go of baggage and expectations. 

You know. All that stuff you pack up into the suitcase of life along the way and come lugging into 

the house you're building together. 

We are being fused into one. Kicking and screaming at times...

And because neither of us like who we are in those moments of 

ahem...intense fellowship...we are struggling to grow. To communicate more. 

To be who God wants us to be. 

Sometimes I just sit and watch Blake. I see him building towers, and vroooming with his cars and trucks.

I see him eating waffles for breakfast, and picking up his toy microphone to yell

"Nan--yoooo"

because his daddy taught him to yell just like Nacho Libre. 

(Now that just thrills my heart...)

What I see most is my little boy growing up....fast, really fast. 

And my heart hurts.

I packed away Blake's summer clothes today. For good this time.

See, I have this routine for packing away his things, each time he grows out of them.

First, I take them out of his dresser and they sit on top for a few weeks. 

Then after that they'll make their way into a Rubbermaid, and they'll sit in his closet for awhile. 

Eventually I inevitably have to take them down to the storage shelves in our basement.

This kills me.  Everytime. 

I'm a weepy mess for at least 20 minutes, and once more can not for the life of me 

figure out where time went. How he got so big. 

My heart just aches...

knowing that all too soon he will be grown.

I'm sure there's lots of parents out there that think 18 can't come soon enough.

I don't feel that way....I wish it would never come. 

I wish I could stop time right here, and Blake would stay my little boy forever. 

The boy who likes to show off his belly. And rake leaves with mommy.

And have pushing fights with his reflection...

Sometimes growing hurts.

But it also always brings something new. 

Sometimes growing isn't what we thought it would be.

But it also can be everything that we needed it be.

Sometimes growing seems to take a really long time.

But it also goes so much faster than we thought possible. 

I'm learning to cherish both kinds of growing...

the kind that makes me a better wife, a better mommy,

and the kind

that leaves me searching for a brick to put on that little guy's head. 

Where I Was

Have I ever mentioned my very favorite movie of all time is You've Got Mail?

If not, now you know!

I love the part where Joe Fox is trying to explain away in an email to Kathleen Kelly

  where he was

the night they were supposed to meet at the coffee shop. 

"I was in Vancouver...and the power went out....and the phones were out too....strangely enough?!"

Okay, well that's how I feel about last week. 

Like I have to come with some ridiculous excuse for not blogging since last Tuesday...

I don't have a wow story to share....just the truth. 

Blake's been sick, I've been thinking, and we've been really busy. 

Can you relate??

Sometimes in life we just have to give ourselves the permission to sit on the couch with our coughing little boy  and not feel guilty for napping when he does. 

It happens. We need sleep too!

Sometimes in life we have to give ourselves time. 

Time to figure out what it is that God's working on inside of us, 

what our hearts are feeling and our minds are thinking. 

Time to enjoy living life instead of viewing it from behind a camera lens.

Sometimes we just need a break. 

So that's where I've been...what I've been doing. 

I'll share more this week. 

But just so you know, I'm back...and I'm thankful for all of you who check in every day

to see what's up in our little world.

Your visits make me happy and your comments encourage my heart!

My Day So Far

Finding time to write a blog post is sometimes harder than you'd think. At least it is when you're trying really hard to keep your priorities and responsibilities in the right order! And then when you find the time...well, it helps to have subject matter, wink*

I've read all the Getting Past Writer's Block and Blogging Tips 101 posts from other successful bloggers. Sometimes it just comes down to figuring out what's on your heart and how to put those feelings, emotions, and thoughts into something that makes sense to the people reading it!

I'm not quite there yet...so instead of forcing it, I'll just save it for a day when I'm ready and share what today looks like from where I'm sitting.

Midnight-ish, last night: Josh and I wake up on the couch and love-seat, respectively, and do the zombie-like walk to our room. We sleep. 

6 am-ish: I vaguely remember saying good-bye to Josh as he heads out for work. 

7:15: I wake up to Blake screaming, stumble into his room to pick him up, then lay back down in my bed with him beside me, for just a few more minutes. 

9:00am: Well ok, that was more than just a few more minutes. I'm not a morning person, what can I say??

10:30am: We head out for a visit to the music store. This goes well...the sales lady doesn't have to dodge a pacifier flying past her left temple because my son didn't throw a temper tantrum this time. 

We've made progress!

11:06am: Blake wants to play outside. I am pelted by 6 falling acorns while sitting on the stairs listening to Blake emphatically tell me he wants the stroller out of the trunk of the car. 

I fain ignorance. 

This leads to a melt-down....lunch, anyone?

11:32am: Cheese, crackers, apple, baby carrots, and milk. Blake signs All Done...and yawns. 

Diaper changed and we rock....

11: 57am: and rock, and rock, and rock...I lay Blake down in his crib. 

This is the part where I do the crazy-lady mad dash through my house, picking up everything from clothing, shoes, toys, and dishes to the Sunday newspaper. 

I start working on homemade soup for dinner. 

I eat a grape. 

12:34pm: Josh calls on his lunch break. I miss him. He misses me. It's Monday.

12:46pm: Blake is crying. I stop the microwave because I've learned that when you're making a Bechamel sauce and you get interrupted, the next thing in the Series of Unfortunate Events is a sticky, paste-like explosion to clean up. 

12:48pm: I lay down on my bed with Blake. Thankfully, this works (on a daily basis) to get a longer nap out of him. I do the shimmy- slide-and sneak maneuver to unwrap his arms from my neck, slide off the bed, and sneak out the door. Back to my soup. 

1:04pm: I eat another grape. Then I stir my sauce into my soup and pour it into the crockpot. Someday I will serve homemade soup with homemade bread. Today I am not that ambitious. 

 1:15pm: Laundry is started and I sit down to write. Um yeah, I got nothin'. This is my reality. 

It's not perfect, it's not glamorous, but it's mine.

And I wouldn't trade it with anybody.  

2:03pm: Post finished. Stomach growls...

Anybody want a grape??



Linking up with MckMama over at...

Finding Balance

Thinking can be so exhausting at times...

and so can writing.

I always thought writing out my thoughts was a sort of release. Just getting those words tumbling around in my mind, out on to paper somehow seemed to make everything clearer. 

Like a weight had been lifted. 

I haven't found that with blogging...maybe because it is so un-private. 

And as I said here, I'm a private person. 

At some point though, I guess we all have to own up to who we are. So I'm trying...

I am struggling to find balance in my life lately. In so many areas! 

Some of those areas are small, maybe even insignificant...like not spending too much time on my appearance, but not wearing my pajama pants all day, wink*

Some areas are more significant. 

Like eating. 

I struggle mentally and physically sometimes on a daily basis with keeping balance in this area. I have struggled since high school...sometimes choosing to go without eating for days, sometimes choosing to not keep what I've eaten in my body, sometimes eating more french fries in a week than a human being should. 

It is a battle I have fought and lost in the past. It is a battle I still fight today. 

The more stress I feel, the harder I find the balancing act to be. 

I try really hard to just eat healthy foods, appropriate portions, and do at least some kind of exercise. 

But then there are the times that I look in the mirror and see the stretch marks, the lumps and bumps...

and I start to see-saw. 

I start to think about how thin other women are. I start to think about every calorie, every carb. 

I choose to see my outward appearance as greater than my inward. 

And I search through my memory for some small nugget of truth that says,

God looks on the heart.

He wants me to be healthy. He wants me to see who I am in Him. 

And I want that too!

But I forget it sometimes...

I want to be healthy. I want to have a settled heart and balanced mind, so I can tell others that they aren't defined by the clothes they wear or the size they are. 

That they are cherished, and precious, and beautiful to their Creator. 

But I have to believe it myself...

So I'm fighting the thoughts. I'm fighting the feelings. I'm fighting for truth. 

Maybe it seems silly...struggling over whether or not to stop for a milkshake, 

whether to do 30 or 45 minutes on the elliptical, whether or not to skip a meal.

But I struggle. 

And I'm tired. 

And I'm trying to hold tightly to hope. 

Hope in the promise that someday I won't struggle anymore. Hope that tomorrow is a new day and I won't feel as tired of the battle. Hope that one day I'll be new and whole and perfect. 

Hope that God can use me to encourage someone else...